o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Ladies don't puke and tell
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
