The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
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Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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