can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
