omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
