I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
