god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Pants are for mortals
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
