what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sober January is a disaster.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
