I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
