Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
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We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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