I wish my penis had an off switch
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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