he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
