her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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