Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
