I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
