she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
