My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
