Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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