She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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