what if every blade of grass was a penis?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
