Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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