he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
