I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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