I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
