Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
