I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
