How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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