As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
