OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
