The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
