I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
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omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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