You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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