how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
