seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
