Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
