I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
