So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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