o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
