Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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