Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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