I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
