sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
organizing the empties. That sober.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
