my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
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You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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