Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
