either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
