Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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