this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
4 words: hood of his car
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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