She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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