I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
