My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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