she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
last night I used snow as a chaser
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
