i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I still have a little drunk in my system
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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