my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
