Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
