I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You are the jesus of drinking
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
