How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
