I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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