by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
