Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
