My hand turned me down
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
