I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
