I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
